I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
You have been a close friend to me.
Your love for me was more wonderful
Than the love of women.
2 Samuel 1:26 (NASB)

Second Samuel opens with a close-up into the beautifully tender heart of David as he learns of the deaths of Saul and Jonathan. David’s relationship with Saul and Jonathan was complicated, to say the least. Saul was the one to “discover” David, invite him to the king’s table, mentor him, and treat him like a son. Saul was also deeply flawed and incredibly consumed by insecurity. He was threatened by the favor of God that David walked in. He personally tried to kill David on multiple occasions, put out a hit on David throughout Israel, and actively pursued and hunted David down.

This created a bond between David and Saul’s son, Jonathan. The apple seemed to have fallen far from the tree concerning Jonathan. We never see in Scripture Jonathan sharing any of the character flaws of Saul, and instead we see his moving display of friendship and concern towards David. Jonathan, the heir to the throne, had more reason than anyone to be jealous of David, Israel's golden child, the shepherd boy of the people with the courage and faith to defeat giants and take on armies. But we never see an ounce of jealousy - just a fond display of brotherly camaraderie, born from a shared flawed father figure and openly affectionate and loyal love. But did this love have more to it? Were David and Jonathan more than friends?

When David hears the news of Saul and Jonathan’s death, we could be surprised to see him broken and not joyous. You would think the news would be a relief, not necessarily of the death of Jonathan, but at least due to the the news that Saul was dead, David's relentless pursuer, and this would afford him some relief. David had been on the run from Saul for 13 years, after all. Instead, we find him broken and deeply sorrowful. He expresses his sadness through sharing a vulnerable song, giving us a glimpse into his heart which he titles ‘The Mourning Song of the Bow’. In it, we get the famous line quoted throughout history, “how the mighty have fallen.”

The song comes to a conclusion with this, “I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; You have been a close friend to me. Your love for me was more wonderful than the love of women” (1 Samuel 1:26 NASB). People throughout the years have sought to use this verse as an argument to change the Biblical narrative on homosexuality, saying that this verse shows us that David himself, the man after God’s own heart, loved a man in a sexually intimate way. Does this create nuance in interpreting what God’s standard is towards sexuality? What about in 1 Samuel 20 and 41 when David and Jonathan are saying goodbye before David flees Saul for good, it says that they wept together and kissed? Surely this open affection in 1 Samuel 20 and public announcement of love in 2 Samuel 1 together indicate that, at the least, they were more than friends. Absolutely not. To interpret this from the text goes beyond a stretch and enters into heresy.

A few factual and practical reasons why this doesn’t hold up: Not only is there zero indication of anything sexual taking place between David and Jonathan, David was in love with Jonathan’s sister and married her. In addition to David’s first wife (Jonathan’s Sister) who was married off to another for a time by Saul for political reasons, the Bible mentions 7 other women David married along with concubines he kept, not to mention the murder he committed to acquire one of these wives. The Bible never tries to “cover up” the mistakes of its heroes but puts them on display to glorify God in his justness, truth, and mercy. I say that to say that if the Bible would be so open about the polygamous and adulterous sins of David, then it would be equally as open about anything immoral taking place between David and Jonathan.

The main reason however that I do not believe that David and Jonathan’s love for each other was homosexual in nature is that their relationship was built upon a shared love and commitment to God and His plan for their people. If you go back to 1 Samuel 20 again and look at verse 42 we find a promise made between departing brothers who don’t know if they will ever see each other again. Jonathan says “Go in safety, since we have sworn to each other in the name of the Lord, saying, ‘The Lord will be between me and you, and between my descendants and your descendants forever.” Their commitment to each other was rooted in their deeper commitment to God - and God’s law is very clear on the matter of his design for sexuality. One man and one woman: in a commitment rooted in covenant, to build a family and life together.

That David and Jonathan’s relationship was anything but loyal and tender brotherly affection is not hinted or alluded to, and the fact that people want to interpret the text in this way reveals how odd and foreign deep and affectionate brotherly love is to our culture today. To many men, having deep and meaningful friendships with other men would feel uncomfortable and foreign. That David wrote that Jonathan's “love for him was more wonderful than the love of women” firstly shows us the damaging effects of adultery and polygamy on the intimacy God intends to be experienced in a covenantal, and monogamous marriage. Secondly, it points to the gift a true brother or sister in Christ can be. Many of us in the church who are married, most often men, adhere to the belief that “I don’t really need anybody but my spouse” and therefore miss out on the rich and challenging benefits of brotherhood and sisterhood in Christ. Yes, our spouse is due priority in our life and love, but deep friendship is essential to becoming who God designed you to be.

Proverbs 17:17 says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Friends are great, but brothers are better. Brothers and sisters know the real you, they know your deeper motives, and you are transparent and comfortable with them in such a way that they see through to the core of who you are - the good the bad and the ugly. They love you regardless, because to them you are family, and there’s nothing that can change that. They call you out on all your stuff and encourage you to step further into God’s call on your life. This right here is why, especially as men, we shy away from such brotherly love: we want to hide and we don’t want anyone telling us our business. Unfortunately, to follow Christ one must crucify the pride and brotherhood is the ultimate tool!

I am fortunate enough to have men in my life whom I love deeply and who love me. These are men I’ve found in the trenches of fatherhood, marriage, and ministry who like me, are flawed but driven to become more like Jesus. I'm happily married to my perfect girl and have been for 10 years and still David’s words about his brother resonate deeply with me. I know what he’s talking about because my wife, as amazing as she is, cannot know what it is like have the weight of fatherhood and family on her shoulders. She doesn’t know what it is like fight the fights that I do, just as I don’t fully know what it’s like to be in her roles and responsibilities. This is why I’m grateful for both, my brothers and my wife. Both make me strong and I consider it a great honor to serve and love them both whenever possible.

If you're a man, find a brother. If you're a woman, find a sister. Fight for friendships that help you fight the good fight. Break down the walls of 20th century individualism and masculinity that says “I don’t need anyone” because it’s a lie: you do. If you have brothers and sisters in Christ, be openly affectionate and loving to them, serve and cherish them, and above all, be transparent and honest. The test of friendship is how transparent and vulnerable we are willing to be with them and how honestly we are willing to speak into each other's lives.

*All scripture quoted from NASB 2020